Silencio

Where have I been
Around the globe
And back again

I did not write
I did not repent
But my message has been sent

And now I return
And now I breathe
Earth stands still


My breathtaking trip to Israel was followed by a hurricane of a time in NYC. Now I find myself grounded in Houston again. Here I will be for a couple of months until I begin my trek to springtime modeling on the East Coast. I have many past adventures to recount, and finally the time to sit down and spin the threads of my story.

Photo by the lovely modelographer Aurora.

I am

Today I was reminded of why I love my job so much. I travel. I meet amazing people. I am nude and moving, and nude and still. I create. I express. I am and continue to be.

Israel, Passion and Reason

Hello from Israel.
Oh how it thrills me to write these words.

I am currently experiencing Israel with 40 other 18 to 26 year old Jews from the US as part of a birthright trip. I have a whirlwind of an itinerary ahead of me. After spending so many months traveling on my own, at my own whims, having a group to be with is quite a change. Although I do not firmly identify myself as Jewish (I prefer the term “Jewishish”) there is something that binds all of us together, and a bit of magic in this crisp, perfect Jerusalem air.

Anyone who knows me is probably aware of the duality of my person. I am a woman of passion and reason - two characteristics which are not always so complimentary. I am an artist, and an analytical thinker. My life and decisions are affected by these qualities. My desires often conflict with other desires I have. I want to be an art model, a musician, a teacher or something else I haven't even envisioned. I love being a traveler with endless possibilities, yet sometimes I year to be rooted with a home and clear journey.

During a shabbat service in Israel, I encountered the following poem. Yes, the poem is religious in nature, but the meaning I found here is not a message about god, but about the choices life offers us. There are conflicting sides to decisions and the manner in which one carries their life, a fact I am too familiar with. I found myself moved by this poem, maybe because looking out the window I saw the lush green of Israel, or felt the connection of singing with a room full of people, or was trapped inside my head with a wave of my own issues, but I felt something and wanted to remember these words.

Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through.

If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name.

Things look at you doubly
and you must look back
and let them happen.

If you do not go through
it is possible
to live worthily
to maintain your attitudes
to hold your position
to die bravely

but much will blind you,
much will evade you,
at what cost who knows?

The door itself
makes not promises
It is only a door.



Photo by the lovely Leo Ticheli of Birmingham, Alabama.

Should

I really should write more.

I type these words and they stare back at me in blinking black. This phrase breaks so many rules ingrained in me. My high school English teacher bore into his students that the words “really, very and it,” should never be used. Perhaps the word “never” is a bit drastic, but I try to avoid those words. Who needs the first two of them anyway? Who needs words that add so little to the meaning of a sentence. Not so unlike calling a photo, “beautiful,” without further meaning. Then there is the word, “it.” This teacher taught us “It = shit,” a lesson punctuated by a drawing of a bull defecating with a large crossed out circle over it, much in the manner of a no parking or smoking sign. This left a lasting impression, as did the deduction of major points on any paper that included any of these three words.

Now I get to the concept of “should.” I used to use this word on a much too frequent basis. I thought in terms of what I should be doing. The problem about “should” is if I did not do what I had felt I should do, I failed. Wrapped up on that one word was a whole bundle of anxiety. I cannot proclaim independence from that wretched word, nor my anxiety, but I am weakening my ties. I like to think in terms of, “it would be a good idea to,” and if I do what I intended on doing, I have succeeded. On the other side, if I did not do something, there was not a failure on my part, but a choice to do something else.

On the topic of “should” and things I chose to do…

I began running recently as a resolve to fix my butt. Much to my horror, I gained about 1.729 pounds in the past few months. I did cross country in high school and can proudly boast having officially come in last place in a race (running while having an asthma attack is less than efficient), but do not actually care for running, yet. My resolve is to lose weight this holiday season. So keep that fudge out of my reach. And I will keep myself putting on my shoes, cranking up my music and running though the streets of wherever I may be.

I see you looking at me as though I am crazy. This crumply butt I whine about is considered fantastic by all except myself. Models are insane – that is a fact verified by all sources. And by all sources I mean verified by me.

This Jewish girl is headed off to have a wonderful Christmas, and wishes you all a really, really, really awesome holiday.
Seriously though, have yourselves a great Christmas. Enjoy the company of those you love and who love you.

Photo by Jay Cole of Colorado.

Return

Life can be very ironic. I have decided on past returns to Dallas that I had little desire to be here much anymore. My look is not very marketable here where boobs, babes and bikinis seem to prevail and couchsurfing in my old stomping grounds makes me feel like a bum. And yet right now I am busy, constantly figure modeling for art classes and working with photographers.

My couchsurfing experiences feel a bit more proper this time around and almost nostalgic. June 2008 I answered a craigslist ad that resulted in my first proper photoshoot. At that point I had no idea what I was doing and this was the photographer’s first run with a model, but I answered the ad and showed up at the photographer’s door. The next few hours were a bit awkward with us both so new and some of the photos laugh-worthy, but it became the first of many shoots together. Tonight I will be couchsurfing with Greg Hawkins and tomorrow we will shoot again. I am trading photoshoots for the amazing website he built me (www.keiragrant.com).

The past two nights I stayed with EZ Cambranis and Julie Robles. A photographer and sculpter couple that I met last summer. EZ and I worked together back when I was toying with nude modeling but afraid of the social ramifications of having nude images out there. This was perfect for his project since he wanted nudes without a face, and my mane of curly hair made for a perfect mask. He gave me a print from an image we did together, and I almost wish I had a home just so I could put the print up for display.

Alligators, chickens and closets oh my

Several days ago I took a day trip over to San Antonio for a couple of shoots and had the opportunity to catch up with a photographer friend, David Boisvert. For our previous shoot I sported sooty nipples, big fake eyelashes, black nail polish and explored being vampy. There was no shooting this time, but he fed me vegetables and wine, and introduced me to some bad horror films with nude Italian supermodel zombies. Next time I foresee more cultural introductions and creative concepts.

When I walked into the shoot location for a shoot with Krist Mann, I immediately knew the afternoon would be exciting. With an inspiring location and photographer, and blazing opera on the radio, the entire shoot was a high. When I returned home from the shoot, I drew an abstract version of the corner art installation in the home, my hands scribbling suitcases, branches, alligators, hedgehogs, a weird propeller, things from A Midsummer Night’s Dream, wreaths, mannequins, a vacuum cleaner bird. The afternoon also featured portraiture with stuffed chickens, a story line about a creeping cricket, and sexier photos on a bed with a cowboy hat. I can never be accused for lacking in the creativity department.

I have always liked small spaces. When I was tiny I would take things out of drawers and sit in them. I grew up a bit and progressed to sitting on the shelves in my closet. Now I can model in tight spaces and it is all part of my job. I did a short figure modeling session under a sink the other day with an artist friend. They were all quick poses, but the idea was to explore poses within a confined space. Give me a box, a small cave, a closet, or a corner and I am rather happy. Perhaps that is why I am not too adverse to the idea of sleeping in my small, cramped car. While on the topic of small modeling spaces, here is a photo by Zeitgeist Photography in Allentown.

Grounded in Houston

The recent change of plans I had for the next couple of weeks of December amuse me. Originally I was going to sublet an apartment in Houston for the three weeks before heading to North Carolina, but then a shoot here and there and the class I was going to take changed all of that and my schedule involved zipping back and forth between Texas cities for the month. Now what is my schedule? Besides a quick trip to San Antonio and a few days in Dallas, this month I am staying put in Houston. Yes, my original plan has come into fruition.

If I keep writing dull posts like this, I’ll be writing to an empty room.

My back by Richard Tallent from Beaumont, TX.
Posted for several reasons.
I am back in Houston.
I turned my back on the Landmark Forum.
And I will be back with more in this entry to fill you in about it all.