Sunday, October 5, 2014

Time... Solitude....

Time seems to move increasingly fast with every year. My theory is that each year becomes a smaller proportion of my overall life, and feels smaller accordingly so. When you are seven years old and have an entire summer laid out ahead of you, those three months are 1/28 of your life, now turn 28 and a full year is 1/28 of your life. Notice how that is exactly the same relative portion?  I have now been back in the United States and modeling for almost as many months as I was gone last year, and once three more weeks pass, I will have been back just as many months as I was away. In just three weeks I will be flying to Australia, then the same amount of time later, I will be returning to the US. 

I spend far too much time looking at my schedule, time which could be spent just living and accepting the amount of work I do or do not have, will or will not have and rolling with my plans. Time is often a conundrum to me, the same amount of time can feel long on occasion, yet can also drag out slowly. And all that likely changes is mind frame and the activities during the time.

I like to work, I love to be busy, but my mind spins in circles when thinking about work. Am I working enough? Too much? What is enough or too much?  As for time off, how much time off is reasonable to schedule for myself, and what is a useful way to spend my precious time off? And why can I justify huge periods of time off, yet not want to stop looking for work and working when in “working mode”? These are some of my own questions that I have begun to find balance in. I avoid scheduling shoots in such a way which will leave me too exhausted to work, because no one likes an exhausted model and I certainly am not interested in making creativity and life more difficult for myself.  But as a freelancer, sometimes we set aside personal days, to find other dates cannot be filled with work and that leaves us with more days without work, which is never helpful. The concern of too many days not working is likely a contributing factor to the rapid pace of my schedule, but I honestly feel I thrive from being busy and in motion.

But sometimes standing still, even if just for a moment, is a necessity. Yes, even an energetic model like myself guiltily hides in a home, on a couch, eating ice cream, and lettuce with hummus and watches too much TV on occasion. Last night I was confronted with the option to go to a camping party with one friend and his group of friends, drink around a campfire, shiver on a hard truck bed in a sleeping bag for the night, and exchange laughter and stories while trying to stay warm. The social aspect sounded fun, but the almost freezing temperature, my back currently yelling in pain and the lure of a semi-warm home, a couch to myself and absolute solitude  won out. I needed this night to myself, a night of talking to nobody, even if I was probably missing out on some great fun.

Fortunately, the previous night I was at another friend’s plot of land with her new community members, sharing stories over a bowl of warm tomato potato soup before climbing a ridge to sleep in a tent, and I will be with these people again tonight,  this time with a couple of bottles of wine. My life is not full on working then seclusion, but I every time I choose to be by myself, I do have to give myself permission to take the “loner” option. 

I'm fairly certain I have had on average one night in a home or hotel room to myself a month this past year, with those the only nights I have gone to bed with a full several hours awake without hearing another human speak to me. My little kid self would proclaim, "that's a lot of time alone, weren't you lonely?" and my adult self would reply, "child, you just wait until you grow up a bit. A little solitude may prove essential."

Friend Tasha and daughter Kalina

Home to some


The first chilly morning on their land

One lives a different life when here
Marshall, NC

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